Now he’s clearly very emotional, and he’s acting aggressively with his finger in the kids’ face, but he has actually set a boundary here. (chime) If you do A…Then I will do B. This is the definition of a boundary; you express what is in your control- you have the ability to call the cops. Go for it.
A boundary is a boundary when it’s an action within your control. You can’t (legally, physically, in caption)) force the kid to stop riding his motorcycle, but you can dial your phone.
We could have a different conversation about how to set boundaries calmly and assertively, how to not be aggressive or passive, but we’re just focusing on the difference between a power struggle and a boundary here.
Now as soon as he jumps to “You understand me. This is where kids play…” now he’s slipping, because now he’s trying to control something that he can’t control, he’s trying to get the kid to agree with him, he’s trying to get the kid to submit to him.
And he’s playing right into the kid’s hand:
Now we accidentally do this all time time, many people do it in a “nice” way -”please don’t talk to me that way” “Please respect my space” “turn down the music “Please fill up my car when you borrow it” “That’s offensive” But these aren’t boundaries, these are requests. You’re trying to control other peoples’ behaviors, but when we can’t control them it’s a request, a boundary is about something we can control “You can’t drive my car for 2 weeks if you don’t fill it up when you’re done this time, and then you take away the keys”
So, boundaries are about what you actually can change, trying to control someone else is wasting a lot of energy trying to change someone else- how they act, how they think or feel or talk. As soon as you’re trying to convince someone to agree with you or submit to you, you’re engaged in a power struggle.
I once had a client tell me “I told my fiance “Please don’t talk to me that way” but she said it 71 times in a row while he ranted at her.
When you set a boundary, it’s ok to express your desires, but that is a request. A boundary is saying…if you do A then I’m going to do B. If you talk to me that way, I’m going to walk away. When you clean up your toys, then you can play outside. If your room isn’t clean, you can’t watch TV (I have the remote).
A boundary is a boundary when it’s an action within your control. You can’t (legally, physically, in caption)) force the kid to stop riding his motorcycle, but you can dial your phone.
We could have a different conversation about how to set boundaries calmly and assertively, how to not be aggressive or passive, but we’re just focusing on the difference between a power struggle and a boundary here.
Now as soon as he jumps to “You understand me. This is where kids play…” now he’s slipping, because now he’s trying to control something that he can’t control, he’s trying to get the kid to agree with him, he’s trying to get the kid to submit to him.
And he’s playing right into the kid’s hand:
Now we accidentally do this all time time, many people do it in a “nice” way -”please don’t talk to me that way” “Please respect my space” “turn down the music “Please fill up my car when you borrow it” “That’s offensive” But these aren’t boundaries, these are requests. You’re trying to control other peoples’ behaviors, but when we can’t control them it’s a request, a boundary is about something we can control “You can’t drive my car for 2 weeks if you don’t fill it up when you’re done this time, and then you take away the keys”
So, boundaries are about what you actually can change, trying to control someone else is wasting a lot of energy trying to change someone else- how they act, how they think or feel or talk. As soon as you’re trying to convince someone to agree with you or submit to you, you’re engaged in a power struggle.
I once had a client tell me “I told my fiance “Please don’t talk to me that way” but she said it 71 times in a row while he ranted at her.
When you set a boundary, it’s ok to express your desires, but that is a request. A boundary is saying…if you do A then I’m going to do B. If you talk to me that way, I’m going to walk away. When you clean up your toys, then you can play outside. If your room isn’t clean, you can’t watch TV (I have the remote).